Umbrella
by Eldr-Fire
Summary: The village learns what lengths Kakashi will go to for Sakura. Whether it's out of love or just the simple pleasure of getting a rise out of her is up for debate. KakaSaku, M for possible future language and mature themes, but no smut. Twoshot.
1. Exasperation

Written as a response to the heat! Also I needed to take a break from some super intense multichapter story planning! This will be in two segments. Happy summer...  


* * *

Exasperation

Cicadas chirped as the sun continued to unleash its unrelenting heat upon the undeserving city of Konoha. Sakura, like many others, was seeking relief underneath the shade of a tree. Leaning against the wall of the hospital, she closed her eyes against the glare of the sun-drenched dirt road. Even through her eyelids she felt the light burning her, and she frowned against the discomfort.

Her foot tapped in impatience as she cracked an eye open, glancing down the road: No one was coming from either direction. Scowling, she kicked at some innocent dirt, only for her toes to squirm as the particles stuck in between them.

"Stupid dirt, stupid sun, stupid work…" She wiped some sweat from her sizable brow, glaring at the heavy stack of papers sitting on the bench beside her. Sighing, she slumped down next to it, flicking a mosquito off the tip of the stack. Her skin was sticky, her lips were dry, she had a lot of work to do when she got home, and she wanted nothing more than to lie spread eagled on the floor of her apartment, watching the ceiling fan spin in blissful cool.

(…)

The trees seemed to jump out of the way as Kakashi raced past them, pushing aside branches and brambles. He sped through the forest at unprecedented speed, leaving no trace of his presence save the quivering leaves. He ignored the perspiration running down his face and dampening his mask, choosing to focus only on his goal.

He came to a sudden stop on the outskirts of a clearing. Crouching low in the bushes, he observed the scene before him. Two men clad in startling green jumpsuits were contorting their bodies into impressive positions, the spandex of their outfits stretched too tight across their lean muscles. Sweat rolled down their faces, leaving a sticky trail from their heavy eyebrows down to their defined chins.

The taller of the two rose with perfect grace onto one foot, bringing the other to rest in the crook of his knee as he tipped his head to the sky. A contented grin stretched across his face as he squeezed his eyes shut and brought his palms together, his elbows sticking out.

"Now, dear Lee," he boomed, with an air of utmost solemnity, "the next position is the Crane."

"Oh, that sounds very youthful!" Lee's voice, suspiciously high for a man of twenty-three years, rang out through the clearing as its owner mimicked his mentor's fluid motions. The two stood several feet apart; Lee wobbled experimentally, peeking out of one eye to make sure he was doing it correctly. He then steadied himself with ease, the picture of tranquility as he closed his eyes.

With their attention devoted to higher powers, Kakashi knew it was his time to strike. He quietly crept out of the bushes and into the clearing. His target lay in plain sight, and it was with great care that he approached Gai's open pack. Redirecting his chakra to blend in with the natural chakra of the forest, he began to silently sift through the bag's contents.

"All right, my dear protégé, the next stage is to…" As Gai turned his face forward again, blinking his eyes open slowly as if waking from a pleasant nap; however, his pleasant aura evaporated as he saw a familiar silver-haired head bent over his belongings.

"Eternal rival!" he shouted, eyes shooting wide open. "How dare you trespass on our manly yoga bonding time to go through my most secretive rucksack?!"

Kakashi did not seem to have heard. His face was blank as he continued to rummage around in the bag.

"Eternal rival!" Gai repeated. "Explain yourself!" Lee, too, was fixing Kakashi with an unforgiving stare.

Under the scrutiny of their blinkless gazes, Kakashi sighed and decided to relent. "Oh, it's you," he said, feigning mild surprise as he looked a Gai. "Didn't expect to see you here. Did you say something?"

Gai roared in agony. "Your contemporary ways will continue to baffle me for the remainder of my youthful existence!" he cried. "As hip as your response was, I must still demand a proper explanation for your blatant invasion of my privacy!"

"How youthful of you to demand," Kakashi said absently, frowning at a particularly sweaty sock.

Manly tears began to fight at the corner of Gai's eyes. "Oh Kakashi, while you flatter me, I cannot relent!" He sniffled heartily and continued, his voice thick with emotion, "Without adequate reasoning I simply cannot allow this to go unpunished!"

Kakashi's casual investigation of the bag's contents did not pause as he said, "There is an item of utmost importance in here."

Gai gasped. "What sort of item?" His wide eyes were trained on Kakashi's gloved hands, enraptured as he was by the newly discovered mystery.

"Confidential," Kakashi said seriously. Gai nodded in understanding. Lee watched on, his mouth agape as he observed the two elite shinobi at work. "I must secure it."

"Are your intentions youthful?" Gai's voice was a whisper that nonetheless carried across the clearing.

Kakashi nodded. "I'm afraid so."

Gai's brow furrowed in confusion. Youth? Fear? He did not compute.

"I do not compute," he informed his rival.

Kakashi sighed, looking up at Gai for the first time. "I'm sorry. I'm just really concentrating. It's very important, you know." Gai watched in awe as his rival continued his grave task, pondering just what could have captured the copy ninja's attention so powerfully.

"But, Gai-sensei!" Lee's voice interrupted the respectful silence that had fallen. Gai frowned at his young ward, wondering why Lee was distracting the shinobi on a quest.

"What, Lee?" His voice betrayed impatience.

Lee hopped closer to his sensei, his posture never wavering. Hushing his voice and glancing nervously at Kakashi, he said, "As youthful as his mission might be, the fact remains that he has most dishonorably invaded your privacy without your permission, and even in spite of your protests!"

"What are you trying to say, Lee?" Gai threw Kakashi a fearful sideways glance, but his rival did not seem to be aware of their conversation.

Lee moved even closer, putting his lips to his esteemed teacher's ear. "You must challenge him."

"CHALLENGE?!"

Kakashi felt the force of this bellowed word make him wobble to the left, its inherent passion rustling through his hair. With another sigh, he turned his face to Gai, squinting against the painful brilliance of his rival's winning grin.

"Challenge?" he repeated weakly.

"Yes!" Kakashi winced, the sound ringing in his ears. "There is no other acceptable course of action!" He unclasped his hands and held them above his head as if baring claws; the change in position made him resemble the unfortunate offspring of a green tiger and a caterpillar.

Lee watched with adoration and Kakashi with trepidation as Gai continued to speak with zeal, spittle flying forth from his mouth. "Clearly only a very grand challenge could fit the struggle for this much sought-after object! I envision a contest to determine who looks best in a piece of ladies' swimwear, the one in that catchy song…"

"An itsy bitsy teeny tiny yellow polka dot bikini!" Lee supplied breathlessly.

"Yes!" Gai roared, waving an index finger at Lee in approval. "That! We shall don the aforementioned outfit and strut about the town, showing off our manly physiques and asking for constructive criticism from the general populace—"

Kakashi stood up with a sigh, brushing the dirt off his pants. This was taking longer than expected, but at this point he was too far gone to turn back now. He had a job to do.

"No," he interrupted calmly. "It's not your turn."

Gai's enthusiastic description of how their contrasting body types would play an important factor in the judging spluttered to a stop at these words. "Not… my turn?"

Kakashi shook his head. "Remember? Last time you had us do the dango-eating contest."

Gai frowned. "Ah. Yes. As usual, you have corrected me with your impeccable memory and keen sense of style."

Wondering what his style had to do with the thing but deciding it was a question for a later time, Kakashi said, "Today I will pick the challenge."

"Yes!" Gai said, his voice strong with determination. "The record stands at 79 to 81, and I shall surely prevail today as I have on 81 past occasions!" He hopped excitedly. "What shall it be today, my rival? A poetry contest? Or we could compete to craft the ultimate smoothie—"

"Guessing game."

"… What?"

"A number guessing game," Kakashi repeated simply. "We have to guess a number, one to one thousand." He reached into his leg holder and retrieved a kunai. Pricking his thumb with its tip, he made several hand seals. "Kuchiyose no jutsu!" he muttered, placing his palm on the ground.

A squat little pug appeared in a puff of smoke, scratching his ear as he stared droopily up at Kakashi.

"Imminent danger?"

Kakashi shook his head. Pakkun sighed, his muscles relaxing as he took in his surroundings. As soon as he noticed Gai grinning at him, he let out a little whine.

"Another competition?" he looked at Kakashi skeptically. "Kakashi, it's so hot out, I don't want to…"

"Oh, calm down," Kakashi said unsympathetically. "All you have to do is pick a number."

"Why can't Lee do it?" Gai asked. "Surely he is mentally capable—"

"They're both going to," Kakashi explained, sliding his hands into his pockets and shifting his weight to his left foot. "They'll both agree on a number between one and one thousand, and whichever one of us guesses closest wins." Gai still looked confused, so Kakashi continued, "There is a representative of each party in the number-guessing team, so that it's less likely cheating will occur. This way, their team won't be biased."

Gai nodded. "All right, whenever they have selected their number, I am ready to guess! In the unlikely event of my failure, Kakashi, I pledge to stand atop my apartment building and bellow the national anthem—"

"That won't be necessary," Kakashi assured him. "I just want the… item."

"Fine, my eternal rival!" Gai cried. "Whatever you say!" He then closed his eyes and began undergoing deep breathing tactics.

Kakashi waited patiently as Lee and Pakkun conversed in hasty whispers; he thought he might have even seen a harried game of rock paper scissors, which Pakkun of course won. (They didn't play best two out of three, so Lee never got the chance to figure out that Pakkun's paper looked exactly the same as his rock and scissors.) Once they had agreed upon a number, they turned to face the contenders.

"As the current leader," Lee announced, his posture rigid with formality, "Gai-sensei is awarded the first guess."

"You may guess now," Pakkun added in a bored monotone. He shot Kakashi a glare, but Kakashi conveniently had been fixated on a butterfly fluttering past his nose, so he appeared to remain blissfully unaware.

Gai's face was twisted in concentration, sweating profusely under the strain. Eventually, just when Kakashi was betting for steam to start seeping out of his ears, it seemed that the pressure was too much for Gai. "One!" he shouted.

"And that's your final answer?" Pakkun wheezed. Gai nodded, looking wary that there was a catch and he would have to do more serious contemplation. His entire body sagged with relief when Pakkun smacked his lips and turned to Kakashi.

"Your turn," he said through his smirk.

Kakashi cupped his chin in his hand, carefully scrutinizing Lee and Pakkun. Lee's paralysis and Pakkun's relaxation suggested that Gai was far from the mark, so it would be easy for him to say "one thousand" and win it easily… but he wouldn't settle for that. He wanted more than just a guess in the right ballpark. He wanted a complete win, a homerun.

The four of them waited in a silence that seemed to stretch tangibly, the heat disrupting the image of the trees and causing them to ripple in the distance. The buzzing of the insects and Pakkun's steady pants were the only sounds as Kakashi stroked his masked chin silently, both of his eyes trained on the two in the know. Lee began to tremble slightly, his gaze flitting nervously from Gai to Pakkun to Kakashi. His lips were clamped tightly shut, and when Kakashi caught him staring and gave him his full attention, fixing him with a pleasant stare, Lee yelped through his closed mouth and stared fixedly forward. Smirking, Kakashi cleared his throat.

"Three hundred seventy-four."

Pakkun let out a wheezy chortle, his long ears flopping as he shook his head in disbelief. Lee's mouth dropped open as he stared at Kakashi in fearful awe.

"That's— that's correct!" he spluttered. "That's exactly what it was!"

Gai let out a moan of defeat, slumping forward. "Trust my eternal rival to guess correctly with perfect accuracy!" he groaned.

"How did you do it?" Lee whispered, his eyes wide and glistening with newfound admiration for his teacher's great rival.

"I analyzed your postures," Kakashi said conversationally, covering his Sharingan again as he bent over Gai's pack.

"Oh, the power of the Sharingan!" Gai bawled, throwing his head back in anguish. "One day I will defeat it!"

Pakkun trotted over to Kakashi, automatically sniffing the pack's contents. "What are you even looking for?" he asked.

Kakashi's hand curled around the desired object. "It's confidential," he said, straightening up and pocketing it.

Pakkun snorted, looking up at Kakashi shrewdly.

"Is it for the girl?"

Kakashi only grinned, sending Pakkun back to his realm as he too disappeared in a cloud of smoke, leaving Lee to console his weeping mentor.

(…)

Sakura huffed out a huge breath of air, watching the pinks strands of her hair flutter in the artificial breeze. Her feet swung idly against the warm bench as she listened to the irritating buzz of a fly she had so far been unable to squash. Sure, being a medic and a shinobi had given her a great appreciation for all types of life, but in this heat she found it hard to extend her good nature to this particular insect.

After another unsuccessful attempt to send it to its early grave, Sakura sighed and grabbed a file folder from the top of the pile. She began to fan herself, closing her eyes as she listened to the paper flap with the movement.

Her temporary reprieve was interrupted by the arrival of a man via smoky cloud. She moved the file folder away from her face to fix the visitor with an unamused glare as he dusted himself off.

"Now now, Sakura, no need to get catty," he said, walking towards her.

"I've been waiting for twenty minutes," she seethed. She gave him a quick once-over; he was covered in little bits of twigs and leaves. Where had he been? Her eyes rose to his, her glare cool.

"Did you even find the chapstick?"

Kakashi nodded, reaching into his pocket and removing a small yellow tube. He deposited it into her waiting palm, observing her as she applied it to her dry lips. Smacking them together and deeming it satisfactory, she rose to her feet, stretching her arms above her head as she yawned.

"Well, I for one am ready to go home," she said, releasing a deep breath. "I've got a lot of work to do later…" Bending her knees and bracing them for the incoming weight, she carefully lifted the staggering pile of papers, holding them awkwardly in front of her chest. They came up past her mouth, and she trapped the rolling tube of chapstick with her nose.

"All right, let's go," she said, her voice muffled by the musty papers she would have to study later. The two of them began walking at a slow pace to accommodate Sakura's load.

After a few strained paces, Kakashi noticed how much trouble she seemed to be having with the obscene stack. Deciding that the gentlemanly thing to do would be to help out, he offered, "I'll take some of that for you."

Sakura let out a breath of relief, loosening her tight muscles in anticipation of the lightened load. Her relief quickly became annoyance, however, when she noticed that he had only removed a single file folder from the pile. She gave him an angry glare as he began to fan himself absently.

"Thanks," she snarled. "That's really helpful."

"Glad to be of assistance." Seemingly oblivious to her continued struggle, he only kept walking at a leisurely pace, putting a rather rude amount of emphasis on his freedom of movement as he let his free arm swing at his side.

Unwilling to put up with his difficult ways today, Sakura snapped, "You know, you _could _carry a little more."

Kakashi reached over and plucked the chapstick from beneath her nose. Ignoring Sakura's warning growl, he merely slipped the tube into his pocket and continued to fan himself.

"Kakashi!"

He looked at her blankly. "What?"

She rolled her eyes. "You're supposed to be a big strong shinobi!" she said angrily. "Why can't you handle half of this stack?"

"You're the one with the super strength," he said, obnoxiously blasé.

"You're the one with the penis."

Kakashi's eye widened as he looked at her over the top of the file folder, his few visible features arranged in mock scandalization. Allowing a few moments of silence to heighten the effect, he said, "What does that have to do with anything?"

"_Well_," Sakura sighed, "you can go running across the village for a tube of chapstick, but you can't help me carry these stupid files that I could've gotten a good head start on had a certain man not been harassing me all day!"

"Oh I see," Kakashi said simply.

"Do you?" Sakura sent him a skeptical glare.

Kakashi shot her a fiendish eye crinkle over the top of his file folder. "It's perfectly understandable that thoughts of my impressive genitalia distract you from—"

"Idiot!" She would have smacked him were her hands not full, and she wondered if that was the real reason he wasn't jumping at the chance to lessen her load. "That's not what I meant! You're inconsistent, is what I'm saying."

Kakashi's lone silver eyebrow turned up as he frowned at her, wounded. "Really? Last night I think you were singing a different tune about my, ah… consistency—"

Sakura's face flushed red. "PERVERT!" she cried, her voice an octave higher than usual. She coughed in a superfluous attempt to mask her embarrassment, frowning as she noticed that Kakashi's eye was narrowed in a mischievous grin.

_That damn fox… _"Really, it's too hot for this…" She let out an exasperated sigh. "No. What I MEANT is that your _chivalry _is inconsistent. You can do little trivial things for me at the drop of a hat, but when I actually NEED you, you can't bother yourself to lift a finger. You'd much rather watch me struggle." She punctuated her complaint with a great huff, sending the chronically offensive fly whizzing away from the bridge of her nose.

"… You know, bringing my penis into it was very misleading."

"Enough about your penis!" Sakura exclaimed. "I'm sorry I brought it up!"

Even though his lips were concealed, she could tell by his eye that he was pouting. "Oh but Sakura, now you've gone and gotten me all _flustered_. That's why I can't carry your things; it's much too hot for poor old Kakashi."

"Well it's not my fault you're dressed for a blizzard in scorching weather!" she snapped. "Maybe if you weren't wearing all of those clothes—"

Her voice faltered as she saw his obvious grin, realizing what she had just said and how he interpreted it.

Kakashi's delight was clear in his tone. "If you're suggesting that I strip…"

"Agh!" Sakura brought her palm to her face in annoyance, and then yelped very loudly as the stack of files spilled from her hand and fell on top of her. She went down with them, landing unceremoniously on the dirt ground with a sharp pain to her rump. As she looked at the important papers strewn across the dirt road and listened to Kakashi's sadistic chuckling in the background, she could only hang her head in defeat.

"I give up."

The files were promptly collected — without any help from Kakashi, much to Sakura's chagrin. They proceeded to her apartment without any more words; even Kakashi didn't want to poke at Sakura's fuming silence. He even opened the door for her (the death glare he received left him no other choice) before flopping onto her couch, watching as she tipped the files onto her kitchen table. He winced when they settled there with a loud _thump _and sent dust flying into the air.

Thoroughly exasperated, Sakura turned to see him pouting at her again.

"… What is it?"

Kakashi lazily flicked at a piece of lint clinging to his wet mask. "It's very hot."

"Congratulations!" Her voice dripped with sarcasm. Kakashi seemed to notice neither her tone nor her comment, continuing as if he had not been interrupted.

"There are two reasons for this," he said matter-of-factly. "Sun." His index finger popped up. "Clothing." The middle one followed.

Sakura sighed in realization. _I think I know where this is going…_

"Similarly, there are two solutions. Changing the weather is one, but I'm too tired for that."

"Oh, I had forgotten that the weather bows to your whims."

Still ignoring her, Kakashi said, "So that one's ruled out. Sakura." It took her a moment to realize that he was directly addressing her; she had been watching a spider climbing up the screen window, and upon turning to look at him she saw that he had fixed her with an intense gaze.

"… What."

His conversational tone contradicted the way he was looking at her so intently. "You're hot. I'm hot. We're also both incredibly overheated." Sakura rolled her eyes. "There is only one solution." Without any further hesitation, he began to remove his vest.

Finally, they had gotten to the root of the problem. "Ah, Kakashi, no, it's too hot for that."

"I disagree," he said simply, tossing his shirt to the side. As he pulled his mask off, her eye twitched at his perfectly blank expression.

She collapsed into a nearby chair, groaning, "No, Kakashi, it's WAY too hot for that. We haven't had rain in weeks and even Shishou's face on the mountain is getting a nice, even tan." She frowned, turning to see her own pale line of skin cutting through her otherwise satisfactory tan. "Not like mine, stupid tan lines… that piece of rock has it easy. She doesn't have to deal with her hair sticking together in this damn humidity, either…"

"Your skin is very nice."

"… Are you even listening to me?"

A zipping noise accompanied his answer as he undid her shirt. "Every word."

"… Kakashi, Kakashi, no. No!" He frowned, finally halting his fingers. He was crouching in front of her, clad only in his shuriken print boxers. "It's. Too. Hot."

"But they can't really breathe, all cooped up in that inconvenient piece of fabric," he reasoned, eyeing her bindings with much distaste.

"… Kakashi, put your pants back on."

She could see the pout curving his lips now. "I think you underestimate the discomfort my sensitive area is experiencing right now…"

"No! Listen to me!" She crossed her arms across her chest, forcing him to snap his gaze back up to her eyes. "You need to listen to me more, you know. Everything I say is very important." She allowed herself a little sniff of self-pity.

Kakashi was the picture of patience as he watched her, giving every sign that he was listening for her to continue. She smirked at his obedience. "Good boy," she said. She was surprised that he didn't seem to mind the condescension in her tone. "Also, if you're going to insist on being chivalrous — which is really pretty pathetic, it just shows that your masculinity is threatened by how awesome I am — you can't do a half-assed job. If you're going to be decidedly gallant, you have to do the thing _properly_." She gave him a self-satisfied nod to signify that she had finished.

"… I don't think it's fair for you to be going over my flaws when you're hell-bent on keeping my good points out of the picture."

Sakura raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"

Kakashi nodded. "I think that, in particular, the question of my masculine identity could be answered if you let me finish what I started and—"

Frustrated beyond belief, Sakura clamped her hands over her ears. "Blah blah blah, you're terrible! You're just looking for an excuse to have sex with me!" Noticing that his gaze had dropped downwards again, she uncovered her ears in order to re-fold her arms over her chest.

"It's your fault," he told her. Her eye twitched. "When you put on that chapstick, it just got me all hot and bothered…"

Sakura's palm flew to her forehead again.

Kakashi let out a very put-upon sigh. "But if you _insist _on denying a poor man his pleasure, I guess I'll just have to deal with it all by my lonesome."

This elicited another roll of the eyes from Sakura. Really, this man could be pathetic sometimes. "All right, I give up."

His face lit up, and she could tell he was fighting down a smirk. "Excellent choice," he said seriously. "Sometimes surrender yields the most satisfaction…"

It was Sakura's turn to smirk.

"Who said I was surrendering?"

(…)

Within the hour they were outside again, trudging along the street to cool down their muscles. Sakura groaned as the sweat rolled down her body in buckets, wiping her sweaty forehead with an even sweatier forearm.

"You know," she said wearily, "it was great at the time, but I think that in the long run it made the heat problem worse."

"Agreed," Kakashi said firmly. Even the stoic copy nin was showing signs of the heat, his posture sagging even more than usual. "Some rain would help."

Sakura rolled her eyes; they felt sore after doing that so much today. "Yeah, but there's not much we can do about that, is there?"

Kakashi merely hummed non-committally. Sakura took this as an invitation to begin expanding the topics to complain about.

"… And then that nurse Junko thought she was being real clever when she flushed that guy's ear down the toilet, but then the med student studying under her threw up all over the floor that poor Momo had _just _mopped… what do you think of that? I mean, the guy was a total asshole, and he was going to get off on diplomatic immunity since he was the wind daimyou's nephew twice removed or some other bureaucratic bullshit, but it's still pretty gross." She waited expectantly for his response; her eyebrow twitched angrily when she noticed that he was staring absently at a passing bird.

"Ugh, there you go, not listening to me again!" she exhaled. "You and your selective hearing…"

His head snapped towards her. "Actually, I _have _been listening," he said. "I have a selective _response _system."

"Pfft."

"It's called free will."

"Oh please—"

"But that's not the point."

Silence settled between them. For several agonizingly long moments, Sakura fought to expectation to ask him to elaborate, but eventually his endless patience won out over her grudging curiosity. "What is the point?" she asked wearily.

"The point is that it's very hot."

Sakura threw her hands up over her head. "Oh, not this again…"

"I would like to fix it."

"We already tried your 'solution'," Sakura scoffed.

Kakashi shook his head. "We only tried the second one."

"… And the first was…?"

"Taking care of the weather problem." His eyebrows were knitted together, showing that he was very serious about the matter, even when Sakura laughed.

"Kakashi…" she said, wiping away what could have been a tear of mirth but was more likely sweat, "you're a great ninja, pretty intuitive and talented and all, but… you can't change the weather."

"I've cut a lightning bolt in half before, you know."

Sakura nodded obligingly; she had heard that one before. "It's a nice trick… but doesn't solve the problem of getting lightning in the first place."

Kakashi sighed. Him? Sighing at her? He had a lot of nerve. "You're forgetting one crucial detail… again."

"… Again?" She didn't like being treated like she was twelve again, but she was very confused. "What?"

"This is the second time today that you've forgotten that…" — he paused for dramatic effect — "… the weather bows to my whims."

Sakura snorted. Really, where did he come up with this stuff?

"Don't laugh." Kakashi frowned. "You said it yourself."

"When?"

He had the mask back on, but Sakura was almost positive that a small smile was curling underneath it. "Just today, actually… at about 2:54 pm."

Frowning, Sakura counted backward in her head. _Sex, sex… then before that— no, no, more sex there… ah!_ She vaguely remembered when he was first listing his two "solutions" to their very hot problem. Her expression contorted in anger as she whirled her head to face him.

"I was being sarcastic!"

Kakashi ignored her. "You also said that it was hot, and that the heat was making your hair stick together in clumps. Last week Tuesday at about 3:15 in the morning, you mentioned in passing that anything is better than the Clumps, even the Frizz after the rain."

So far he had recounted her comments with disturbing accuracy, so she was wary to let him continue. "… I did…"

"So it's been a general consensus that rain is needed, and that I'm the man to bring it. I will have to do this."

Heavily, Sakura sighed. "Oh brother…"

Kakashi held up one finger. "There's more. I've been listening to your comments on my attempts at chivalry. You seem to think that I'm putting the effort into the wrong places."

"Nothing the exact things I say, for example," she muttered under her breath.

Unperturbed, Kakashi kept going. "So, I've spent some time considering traditional chivalry.

"What time?" Sakura asked. "We didn't even have that conversation an hour ago."

"And I decided that a practical application of my chivalric tendencies, given the current predicament, would be holding an umbrella for you as you walk in the rain." Finished, he looked at her blankly.

Sakura considered how to approach what was apparently a very sensitive subject for him. "… All right. The umbrella thing I can accept, but… the rain, Kakashi. The rain's the problem."

"I've faced worse problems before," Kakashi scoffed.

Sakura's shoulders sank a little lower. "Here we go…"

"In the depths of an Iwa prison camp," he began, "I had nothing but an ill-fitting loincloth, the chains that bound me, and a toothpick one of the guards had spat at me."

"And let me guess," Sakura interrupted. "You managed to make it out without a mark on you."

"Close," Kakashi said. "I sustained no physical damage, but by the end of it all the loincloth wasn't in the best shape, and I had some lipstick smudges on my person from an old woman picking flowers in the forest outside the camp—"

"EW!" Sakura shrieked.

Kakashi looked very hurt by her disgust. "I couldn't help that I was fatigued and attractive. It's a deadly combination, Sakura."

"It's a detail I could have lived without," she said, still shaking from the scarring mental images.

"Well—" He seemed determined to defend himself, but Sakura wanted to put that story behind her as soon as possible.

"The point, please?"

A sigh. "The point being that you yourself said that I am intuitive and talented."

"Not to mention long-winded and egotistical. And tactless."

Kakashi stopped walking, placing a hand on her shoulder. "You wait here."

"Excuse me?" She wriggled out of his grip, turning to face him with her hands planted firmly on her hips.

"I have a quest to complete," he explained. His features were set in determination.

"And I have things to do." Sakura was not one to be out-determined.

Kakashi's frown deepened. "I won't be long," he assured her.

Fixing him with a hard stare, Sakura considered it. She weighed her options carefully before reluctantly saying, "… Fifteen minutes. I'm not waiting for you any longer than that. If you're not back here by then, I'm going to turn around and go back to my apartment, rain or no rain."

Kakashi tapped his chin with a forefinger. "I can't make any promises about time," he said vaguely.

"That's nothing new," Sakura snorted.

He did not seem to mind the comment; apparently, his fixation on this dumb umbrella thing made him impervious to her little quips. He raised his hand in a lazy, two-fingered salute. "Later," he said. He disappeared in a poof of smoke, leaving her coughing as it stuck to her skin.

"Stupid man…" she grumbled. Bound by her promise to spend a quarter of an hour waiting for him, she plopped onto a nearby bench with a resigned sigh.


	2. Precipitation

Here is part two! I hope you all enjoy! This was a lot of fun to write, ha ha ha! I blame inactivity, coupled with heat. Plus a deliciously overactive imagination! Ha ha! Just in case any poor little fella was confused, I'm not Kishimoto. I don't expect to make money, but I hope to make lolz. Oh the larks. Please enjoy! Also I would keep in mind that the word "precipitation" has multiple meanings! Just a thought.  


* * *

Precipitation

Hands stuffed in his pockets, Kakashi strolled pleasantly down the road. He was in what could be considered the commercial district of Konoha, although unlike the bigger cities, in Konoha even this area held a traditional, even rural beauty to it. Kakashi sighed in content; every day he seemed to love this city even more.

After spending some time appreciating his home, it occurred to him that he had set out on this little jaunt for a reason.

_Hmm…_ he thought, frowning at a nearby tree. A small herd of children were all piled underneath it, clearly trying to get the best spot of shade. Kakashi thought he might have even seen a few tongues lolling out. If he weren't already so overheated he would have scoffed at these children, at least the ones with headbands… but he couldn't bring himself to do it. At this point, in this heat, a man had to do what he had to do.

_Yes... a man does have to do what he has to do._ Kakashi sighed. _I should probably start working on that whole weather problem…_

In retrospect, Kakashi realized that he might have been a little _rash_. He would of course never admit this to Sakura, but personally he had to acknowledge that he had gotten a bit… carried away. Could he really be blamed, though? Sakura was endless fun (in a variety of contexts), and besides, the heat was doing things to his head. It wasn't his fault that when the temperature was elevated beyond a certain point, he started to… lose a little of his practiced self-control. Especially around Sakura.

_No, no…_ Kakashi chastised himself. _Too hot to be thinking so deeply. I'll have plenty of time to 'ponder our relationship' (ha, like I ever do that… such a Sakura thing… when is she going to understand that when I'm staring off into space and when she's staring off into space we are thinking about very different things?) after I fix this weather thing._

So, he began to contemplate his course of action. There were many "hmms", and his brow began to get comfortable in its fierce downward tilt. Normally Kakashi was not one to shirk thought, but he was off duty and then there was that _heat_. _Maybe it would be better if I just let the thing come to me on its own,_ he reasoned.

Bright orange caught his eye. His brain was naturally wired to pay attention to anything of that color, but he was disappointed to see that it was not _Icha Icha_ merchandise. Instead, the orange object bounced up and down while moving to his left. It was rather far down the street; it was also blurred by the heat haze, and Kakashi actually had to squint to make out its actual shape.

A smile crept across his face. The umbrella was a garish orange color. Pink hearts decorated its surface, clashing horribly. As Kakashi eyed the umbrella, it was like love at first sight. He decided that this was the only way to go; he _had _to get that umbrella, if only to humiliate Sakura.

Registering surprise that fate had decided to favor him for once, Kakashi stepped back from the main road and settled himself comfortably behind a building. He watched discreetly as the umbrella moved closer, and his smile only grew as he saw its owner.

Gai's face was contorted in an expression of ultimate concentration, his eyes trained on the ground. Most peculiarly, he seemed to be hopping sideways. It was a rhythmic movement; he was balanced on one foot as he had been earlier that day, and Kakashi counted four beats before his rival would take one hop to his right.

This path was bringing Gai straight towards Kakashi, and as the green-clad jounin approached, Kakashi positioned himself so that Gai would come across him seemingly by chance. Once Gai was an agreeable distance away, Kakashi walked out from behind the building, nose buried in his trusty _Icha Icha Paradise._ He heard a squawk as Gai nearly ran into him; the taller man stumbled spectacularly, sputtering as he waved his arms rapidly to regain his balance. Upon steadying himself he leapt into an upright position, his posture rigid as he appraised his eternal rival.

"Kakashiiiii!" He grimaced brilliantly as he drew out the last syllable. "How tricky of you to attempt to take me by surprise like that!"

Kakashi flipped a page. For courtesy's sake, he had stopped walking.

Gai pointed accusingly at Kakashi with the umbrella hand; Kakashi had to shift backwards a little to avoid being jabbed in the chest. "I see that once again you are refusing to acknowledge my presence!" He threw his head back in a booming laugh, but when he faced Kakashi again there was pain poking through his cheery exterior. "Eternal rival, I would be most appreciative if you at least returned your offensive literature to your back pocket!"

Kakashi made no move to respond. Everything was going according to plan.

"Why do you not answer me!" It was a demand.

Kakashi ignored it.

"HATAKE KAKASHI!" Gai bellowed. "I will not be outdone by your modern tactics! Please either look up from your inappropriate novel or hide it away altogether!"

Kakashi allowed himself a blush and a giggle, turning a page feverishly.

The anger was radiating off Gai in waves. Normally he did not allow his eternal rival to agitate him so much, but he had already lost once today and it was really too hot for this. He grunted once, poking Kakashi's nearest scroll pouch with the open umbrella's tip.

Finally, Kakashi looked at him. "Hey," he said, frowning. "No need for that."

"There was no need for your feigned ignorance!!!" Kakashi could feel the multiple exclamation points in Gai's liberated spittle.

"I just didn't see you there," Kakashi said, fixing Gai with his most indifferent stare. "Were you talking to me?"

"Ahhhhhhhhhh!" Gai clutched his hair in his hands; the umbrella stuck out at a dangerous angle. Kakashi watched it; it was why he was baiting Gai so much, and it was preferable to watching manly tears running down Gai's face. "Eternal-rival-you-aggravate-me-to-no-end!"

Kakashi waited patiently. After an acceptable amount of time Gai cracked open a beady black eye, sniffling heavily as he looked blearily at his rival.

"Why were you avoiding me?"

He sounded incredibly hurt. Quivering, his lower lip jutted out at Kakashi, trying to goad him into guilt. Kakashi was trained to avoid such tactics (at least coming from anyone but Sakura), so it had no effect on him. Instead, he shifted his eye from side to side in a display of affected anxiety. After checking that no one was in the vicinity, he leaned in closer to Gai, holding up a hand to cup his mouth and further protect his words. His eyebrow turned up in embarrassed concern, he whispered, "I was afraid to be seen with you."

An unearthly scream of anguish ripped out of Gai's throat as he staggered backwards, clutching at his heart and staring accusingly at Kakashi, his eyes wide and crazed. Kakashi winced against the onslaught of sound, putting a hand over his vulnerable ear until the cry petered out.

"Why," Gai croaked. So distressing was the confession that he could not even summon the energy to add a question mark.

Inwardly smirking, Kakashi suggested with his posture that he wanted to be anywhere but here. He turned his shoulder away from Gai, shifting his feet on the ground as if craving an opening to flee. He was sure that Gai did not consciously register these changes, but he could tell that his subtle change in position unconsciously wounded Gai even further. After keeping Gai in suspense for an appropriate amount of time, Kakashi said, "It was the dance."

Gai's lips clamped together. He seemed to regain a little more of his composure (if that's what you could call it), his back springing into position like a diving board as he made it clear that this was the wrong thing to say.

"The dance?" His voice was strained. Kakashi nodded. The tips of Gai's lips curved into a small smile; Kakashi took a moment to appreciate the rarity of a _small_ smile from Gai.

"My eternal rival," he said, "clearly you are ignorant in this case."

Frowning, Kakashi noted that this was not exactly what he had planned… but then again, he had already decided to let fate take control over this particular endeavor. Usually he didn't put much stock in "fate" and "destiny", but today he was very tired, and fate seemed to be working with him today. After all, it had led him to the umbrella. Surely it would point him in the right direction… somehow.

"Oh?" Kakashi permitted some semblance of curiosity to creep into his tone.

Gai nodded fervently. "Oh yes," he said. He leaned into the umbrella, which was pointing towards the ground now, shifting his weight to his left side as his right hand went to his hip. "You see, I was in the early stages of a rain summoning ritual."

"Rain?" He could barely contain his cry of glee. _This is it._

"Yes!" Gai answered emphatically. "If you have not noticed it is rather warm outside!" He tugged at his collar for good measure.

"That it is," Kakashi said pleasantly. He cocked his head to the side, still staring blankly at Gai. "I don't think that your little dance will do much good, though."

The transformation Gai's face underwent was comical. His pleased expression of mild self-satisfaction melted into outrage, his eyebrows lifting in slow motion and his upper lip following suit, while his lower lip jutted downwards in the opposite direction. His mouth was agape in shock.

"Ka-ka-ka-kashi!" he stuttered. "Y-y-you—" Gai was stuttering. Kakashi braced himself.

It came in an impressive explosion of sound: Gai inhaled deeply, holding the umbrella up above his head with both hands and jumping up and down excitedly…

"HATAKE KAKASHI YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS!" He paused to allow himself a few ragged breaths before shouting to the heavens, "CHALLENGE!"

The village seemed to shake with the bellowed word; Kakashi himself wobbled dangerously, and he had to grab hold of the adjacent building for support. Gai continued to tap dance madly, his face pointed at the sky. His chest heaved so much that Kakashi wondered if he had released a little bit of his soul with the scream.

A ringing silence followed this exclamation. In it, Kakashi watched as Gai worked to even his breathing. Eventually his heartbeat was no longer audible, and with a final little kick his feet were still.

"Kakashi," he said calmly. "I hope you realize that it is my turn." Kakashi nodded weakly. "Good. I will now set the terms of the challenge." He swung his hips from side to side.

"That was completely unnecessary," Kakashi said, offended in spite of himself. Gai paid this complaint no heed, but he kept his hips still during the remainder of his proclamation.

"This drought is unacceptable, and as two of the most accomplished jounin in the village it is our duty to end this most unyouthful lack of rain!" Ah, there was the word "youth". Kakashi had been wondering where it had gone. "During my luncheon I was buried in the books of ancient Konohanian mythology in a most youthful pursuit of knowledge concerning our current crisis! In my youthful quest I stumbled upon an antiquated but still perfectly acceptable ritual to summon the rain gods!"

A new word had been invented from this. At least the situation had served _some _purpose… Kakashi was very proud of Gai, in a Konohanian sort of way.

Unfortunately, Gai found it appropriate at this time to resume his manic tap dance. Kakashi watched his feet distractedly as Gai continued with renewed zeal, "This ritual involves dancing!" Kakashi groaned. "We must energetically paint our bodies in the traditional paint and, clad only in enough fabric (blue boxers preferred) to most youthfully shield our external reproductive organs from the general public, we must assume the dance you caught me participating in! Since your hands will be unoccupied by the umbrella — which is a necessity of the ritual — you will assume the duty of most honorably youthful clapper!"

"… Clapper?" Kakashi was regretting this already…

"Yes!" Gai kicked dust up for emphasis. "You must clap and dance in a vaguely spiritual but very youthful manner!"

Sighing, Kakashi asked, "And where will be doing this?"

Booming laughter erupted from Gai's mouth. "On top of the Hokage Mountain, of course!"

Sweat dropped down Kakashi's face. In a secluded clearing would have been one thing… but on top of the monument to their celebrated forebears? He could see it now… a picture of him painted over in "ritual paint" flying across the continent, landing itself in tabloids and bingo books everywhere… never again would he be known as Kakashi of the Sharingan, the Mirror ninja, the Copy ninja… no, on his tombstone they would engrave "Hatake Kakashi, the Mysterious Hopping Ninja".

"The challenge," Gai continued, as if this condition had not just promised to tarnish Kakashi's reputation and reduce his career to a running joke, "is to see which of us can recruit a third member to complete the ritual."

"Third member?" Oh, this could be fun… if Kakashi was going down, he was going to take someone else down with them…

"Of course!" Gai halted his fiendish dancing to look surprised at Kakashi. "Surely you are aware that three is the most youthful number?"

Kakashi pretended to remember. "Oh, right, silly me."

"Yes silly you!" Gai frowned deeply, and to Kakashi's despair, he began to tap dance again, all the while keeping his glare furiously focused on Kakashi. It was really starting to creep him out. "The ritual requires a female to complete it! Otherwise, there will be no rain! So, the challenge is to see which of us, through ritualistic song, can convince our designated lady to join us and most youthfully finish the dance!"

Kakashi was sold at "female". Smirking, he asked, "And who designates this lady?"

"We do!" Kakashi smiled. "For each other!" Kakashi frowned.

"For you, my eternal rival," Gai said, grinning thoughtfully at the wary copy nin, "I will choose…"

_Not Anko, not Anko, not Anko—_

"Haruno Sakura!"

Kakashi could have cried with relief. This was shaping up to be more than he could have hoped for. His dignity would be a small price to pay for Sakura's complete humiliation.

"Whom do you choose for me?" Gai's grin shone at Kakashi, scalding him with its unnatural glow.

Tilting his head to the other side, Kakashi considered. Anko was tempting, but… she'd be all too willing to get up there and join them. No, he had to guarantee that he won… he needed someone impossible…

His head snapped back into place.

"Tsunade."

Gai barely missed a beat. "I will prevail!" he cried. Kakashi was impressed that there was only a slight waver in his voice.

"And if you don't," Kakashi said, resisting the urge to say _when_, "I get the umbrella."

"Your fixation on inanimate objects today baffles me, Kakashi!" Gai laughed. "But nevertheless I will honor your request! We shall further discuss the terms of our agreement upon our arrival at the Hokage Mountain!"

Kakashi nodded. There was no going back now.

Gai laughed manically, his feet entering into the finale. "Eternal riiiiiivaaaaal!" His voice echoed throughout the streets; people had cleared away, horrified by the obscene spectacle. "The record stands at 80 to 81! I will see you at the CHAAAALLEEEEEENGE!" With that he sped away, dust trailing in his wake.

(…)

Sakura was making her way back to her apartment, her mood less than optimal.

_You know,_ she reflected sourly, _even though of _course_ it's not raining, a parasol would have been nice._ But no, of course there had been no sign of Kakashi. She even gave him an extra minute, but seventeen minutes was too long to be standing in the sun when it was upwards of three million degrees outside. So, with much huffing and puffing, she left the meeting spot and trudged back home. _Someone _had to get work done today, after all. Not like Mister Hatake Run-Around-Konoha-Like-It's-A-Holiday Kakashi.

Turning the key in the lock, she sighed. _Oh well._ With an air of great resignation, she slumped into her kitchen chair and weakly pulled one of the files towards her.

" 'An Overview of the Medical Research of Sunagakure During the Last Decade' ", she read aloud. She peeked at the considerable thickness of the musty papers inside. Coughing, she flipped through them, seeing diagrams and detailed explanations of complicated procedures. Ingredient lists, mission reports, documentations of surgeries…

Overview. Right.

(…)

Normally Kakashi was not one to care about appearances, but even he felt a little self-conscious. For this reason, he opted to steer clear of Minato's head; he wasn't sure he could handle the image of Minato's look of mingled amusement and disgust as his former student danced atop his head in a questionable ritual. He had never known the First Hokage personally, so it was much easier to destroy his reputation there.

He knelt in front of the bucket of paint, dipping his brush into its depths and reluctantly dragging it across his chest. Gai had given him the picture he had "youthfully borrowed with all intentions of a most honorable return" from the library book, and he was now using the Sharingan to help him mimic the exact markings. It was really quite embarrassing, once he sat down to think about it— which he wouldn't, of course, because the heat didn't lend itself to thinking much and he was already past the point of no return. Worrying now would only slow him down.

His chest was not very appreciative of the sticky blue _stuff _being smothered all over it. He could already tell that this was going to be a real pain to wash off; according to the design, he had to paint equidistant stripes across the left side of his chest, and then mirror those perfectly on the other. His arms and legs were not spared, either, but at least being ambidextrous made it a bit easier to circle his arms in the wet bands of color.

He and Gai had their backs to each other; Gai was positioned on top of Tsunade's head, which was probably part of his youthful whatever. (Kakashi noted with a tired sigh that he was too hot to even finish his own sentences.) After discussing the terms of their challenge in more detail, they had agreed to face away from each other until the ritualistic painting had been completed. Despite this agreement, Kakashi for one kept glancing surreptitiously at Gai to ensure that he was not the only one preparing to make a fool of himself in front of the tired village.

Actually, only wearing his boxers wasn't that bad of a change; maybe if he focused on how refreshing it was not to be cooped up in all of those clothes, he would be able to float serenely through this challenge… but then he remembered the singing. He had never been much of a singer; if he had ever loosened his vocal cords in front of others, they were all too drunk to remember it. (He was sure he would have heard if a witness lived… that was the sort of gossip Konoha thrived on.)

He sighed heavily; he was doing it for Sakura, right? To show that he loved her, right?

… Or no, more likely it was just so that he could utterly humiliate her like this. Who better to take down with him?

After finally completing the tedious brushstrokes, Kakashi stood up, cracking his back and loosening his muscles. _Maybe kneeling on the rock wasn't such a good idea…_ He looked down at Pakkun, who was thankfully not as smug as he deserved to be.

"What?" The pug was scrutinizing him closely.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Pakkun sounded annoyed. Kakashi couldn't blame him; in the summoning realm, it was probably nice and cool… divine winds blowing about in a generally supernatural manner… they probably had air conditioning, too.

"Hmm?" Kakashi glanced at the lines he had painted onto his person. Everything seemed to be in place.

Pakkun harrumphed at his master's ignorance, sending the folds of the skin on his face flapping mildly. "Your face."

"Oh, right," Kakashi said, quickly stooping to pick up the brush again. He dipped it in the paint and, with the utmost concentration and precision, painted over the bottom half of his face. Even if he was going to publicly humiliate himself, he was going to be masked while doing it.

"How do I look?" He smiled experimentally.

"Disgusting." Pakkun trotted off to sit in the shade.

Satisfied, Kakashi turned to face Gai, who was standing with his back dutifully turned. Kakashi wondered how he had managed to paint the lines on his back without a Sharingan before he saw Lee hiding behind a bush, flashing Gai an encouraging thumbs up. He allowed Gai to return it before coughing pointedly.

Gai spun around, his face breaking into a grin as he saw his rival's decorations. "Always putting a unique, modern touch on things, my beautiful rival!"

Kakashi shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot. "Let's not get too carried away," he said nervously.

Gai's lips stretched in what was probably supposed to be a reassuring smile. "I am merely admiring your youthful physique! Oh my rival, even after all of these years the way you manage to maintain your personal fitness is truly exemplary—"

"Thank you," Kakashi said shortly. "Now let's begin, shall we?"

"Oh but of course!" With an inappropriate amount of energy, Gai bounded off to where he had carefully set the umbrella to rest. He opened it with a theatrical _fwump_, twirling it experimentally. Apparently content, he strode forward and skidded down the rocks to land on the head of their esteemed Hokage.

Kakashi followed suit, darting over to the nice, rounded surface of the First Hokage's head. He tapped the rock with his foot; seemed sturdy enough. He turned to face Gai, who was doing cartwheels on Tsunade's head while holding the umbrella in his mouth. He had to hold up a hand to shield his eyes from the sun.

"Gai!" he called out. "You have to go first!" After watching Gai go down the street, he already knew how the dance went, but he had no idea what he was supposed to sing about.

Gai leapt to his feet, landing with the grace of a ballerina on his tiptoes. He flattened out his feet and raised one to rest against its opposite leg, holding the open umbrella above his head.

"ARE YOU READY?!" he bellowed.

"Yes," Kakashi said wearily. He wasn't confident that Gai had heard him, but apparently it didn't matter: With a deep breath, they began to do the hopping dance.

It was fairly simple. One hop to the left. _One. Two. Three. Four._ Another hop. Four beats later, another hop. After the three hops, it was time to switch feet and hop to the right. _This isn't so bad_, Kakashi thought, holding his hands above his head and clapping in time with the beat. That was before Gai opened his mouth.

"_Oh beautiful heavens_," he sang, "_please bestow your most youthful rain on this most youthful of VIL-LA-GES!_" His voice rang out in the humid silence. The tune was a solemn chant, but it carried over to where Kakashi was hopping, his mouth hanging open as the full reality of _chanting in front of the entire village _hit him over the head like an orange umbrella.

"_We have suffered drought and we youthfully beseech you to RE-LIEVE-US!"_ Several squawking birds flew from their perch atop one of Sandaime's spikes. Kakashi envied how easily they could fly away.

"It is your turn, eternal rival!"

With a sigh, Kakashi racked his brains for suitable lyrics. Quietly, he began to sing.

"_Oh sweet cherry blossom, please join me in this magical dance of writhing bo-o-dies,_" he sang. "_We shall make love as the clouds make the rain and will bask in nature's SWEET JUI-CES…_"

"_Excellent start my dear rival!_"

Kakashi groaned, seeing that there would be no more normal conversation. Now everything he wanted to say had to be in a song… This was going to be a long day.

"_As for me I wish for the Hokage to come and DANCE WITH ME!"_

Below them, Yamato had been minding his own business. Sometimes it was nice to walk through the village he had pretty much single-handedly rebuilt; it felt like walking through an art gallery. He could privately laugh at the puny attempts of the other villagers to replicate his own flawless architecture.

A strange sound caught his attention. The voice was so… familiar. He looked around; no one was there. But then— there it was again! It seemed to be coming from above. He craned his neck to look at the Hokage monument above him, straining his ears.

"… _Rain will run off our bodies like our inHI-BI-TIONS…"_

Yamato froze. He knew that voice.

"SENPAI?!"

_Shit._ Kakashi wasn't expecting to be recognized this early in the game… especially not by his favorite underling. He could feel his reputation cracking… slipping between his fingers like rain— _Shit. Now I'm even thinking in rain-related poetry._

Baffled, Yamato ran a little bit away from the mountain so that he could see something other than the Third's beard. When he had backed up far enough, he staggered. He was appalled to see his senpai, with blue paint _all over his body_, hopping sideways while clapping apathetically above his head.

"What are you—"

"_Her beautiful blonde hair, so elegant and youthful, will attract the heavens TO OUR PLEA!"_

Yamato's shoulders sagged. He recognized that voice, too. Wearily, he turned his gaze to the right to see Konoha's Green Beast dancing in the same manner that Kakashi had been, holding what appeared to be an orange umbrella above his head.

Immediately, it all became horribly clear to Yamato. The two of them, some of the most well-respected warriors in all of Konoha, were engaged in another one of their inane _challenges_!

"You— you IDIOTS!" Yamato sputtered, pointing at the two dancers. He wasn't sure what else to do. "You— Senpai, I— I thought you were better than this!"

"_Lower ranks be warned_," Kakashi chanted menacingly, "_if you say such things to your elders you will BE PUN-ISHED!"_ Although Kakashi's face was too far away for Yamato to see, he could clearly envision his senpai crinkling his eye in a deadly warning. Yamato gulped.

Of course, Yamato was not the only one who had noticed this strange event. Several others had heard the singing or seen the hopping figures, and a few more of those had recognized Kakashi's unmistakable shock of silver hair. Word was starting to spread that there was quite the show going on at Hokage Mountain, and soon there was a crowd of people growing at the foot of the mountain. People stood on top of their roofs, cupping their hands around their eyes and watching in shocked awe as the taijutsu master and the fearsome Copy ninja performed for the village.

Sakura's eye twitched as she heard someone step on her roof. _Honestly, what the hell is wrong with the streets? Stupid uppity kid, probably trying to show off his chakra control…_ She grumbled incoherently to herself, wiping her forehead with a damp cloth and cursing as she spilled droplets of water on the precious documents.

Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed movement outside the window. There was probably some sale at some stupid porn store… Yes, she could see Kakashi now with his face pressed eagerly against the glass window in front of Pink, his eye starry as he waited for some _Icha Icha_ product to be officially available. No doubt he had forgotten all about her and his stupid little quest.

(…)

Gai was thrilled by the audience. "_I am most honored to request,_" he boomed, "_the presence of the most powerful and deceptively youthful Lady TSU-NA-DE!_'

Tsunade's head shot up from where it had been comfortably resting on her arms. "Wha?" she asked, looking around wildly. "Who? Me? What? I swear it's lemonade!"

Seeing her office mercifully empty, Tsunade relaxed and gave her sake bottle a reassuring pat. "We're safe," she told him. "But I could've sworn I heard someone say my name…"

"_Her youthful physique and bountiful breasts would encourage the gods to rain UP-ON US!_"

"WHAT?!" Tsunade jolted out of her seat, storming over to the window. She leaned out of it, her long ponytails fluttering in the stray breeze as she scoured the vicinity for the offending voice. Dangerously curious, she squinted at the Hokage monument. There seemed to be someone dancing… on her _head_?!

"Look!" someone cried. "It's Lady Tsunade! She's going to come and join the dance after all!" This was met with general cheering and snickering.

Tsunade's glare swiveled down to a swelling crowd beneath the mountain. Shinobi and civilians alike seemed to be gathered, all watching the heads of the Hokages… She followed them, and her jaw nearly lost itself in her swaying bosom as she started violently.

To her utter shock, none other than _Hatake Kakashi_ was clapping to a somewhat mystical beat, hopping on one foot on top of her grandfather's stone head. Seeing Maito Gai was a lesser shock, but it was not much of a consolation. What on earth were two of her most important jounin doing in boxers and ridiculous blue paint on top of the mountain?

She was too shocked to hear what Kakashi sang — _Oh dear lord, that boy is SINGING? _— but Gai's voice easily broke through her numbness.

"_Oh deities of precipitation,_" he cried, "_bestow your heavenly droplets on the painted curves of our most esteemed Lady HO-KA—_"

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO MY MONUMENT!?" As Tsunade's roar overpowered Gai's lyrics, many people below gasped in delight.

Gai looked up at the fierce woman looking about ready to jump out of Hokage Tower and throttle him. His legs were still in the appropriate position, but impossibly, he was bent at the waist and was actually _licking the monument._

"_Ohnee mimickin wha I a thying thoo ehnkoothege,_" Gai sang around his outstretched tongue, "_theh dithine poweths thoo do thoo you by thwetting thyour thfeminin thfrom thin this TIME OTH DRTHOUGHT_!"

People at the bottom of the rock screamed. Others were rolling around on the ground, beating their fists into the dirt and clutching their stomachs in uncontrollable mirth. If it were not for her complete shock and the absolute absence of protocol, she would surely have exploded. As it was, she could only indignantly sputter, "How DARE you—?!"

The crowd was a mess. There was hooting and laughing and sobbing; children were shrieking in horror, shinobi were whistling and jeering… it was chaos. Yamato only shook his head sadly, hoping that Kakashi, at least, would have the sense to keep quiet—

"_Oh sweet cherry blossom!_" Kakashi's voice rang out with unprecedented enthusiasm, although his features still remained as indifferent as ever. He clapped absently above his head, sometimes missing the beat, and he kept stumbling on the rounded surface of Hashirama's perfectly smooth haircut. _I swear, you'd think the guy was a Hyuuga or something…_ "_I yearn for your presence beside me as my body contorts in a heavenly MA-TING DANCE_!"

Yamato's face blanched. _Did he just say that? Did Hatake Kakashi JUST say that? In front of a whole crowd of people? And the Hokage? Oh… oh my…_

Tsunade clenched her fists, a vein popping at her temple as she screamed, "THAT'S A DIRECT QUOTE FROM _ICHA ICHA_, YOU PERVERT!"

(The crowd erupted in a discussion about why their respected leader would be able to recognize the banned book's prose so easily.)

Kakashi inwardly scoffed. What did she expect? He was no poet; why not show his adoration for the dearly departed Jiraiya's words through song? Did anyone honestly believe that he was coming up with this on his own? Not like Gai... all of his was original. Ugh.

Sakura looked up from her work in alarm to hear her shishou's shouts echoing across the city. Abandoning her work immediately, she flew to the window and stuck her head out. Her apartment had a beautiful view of the mountain; she often watched as the first stars peeked through the velvety night above the old man's head. Today, however, the sight she saw nearly made her empty the contents of her stomach over the sill.

There were people dancing — no, _hopping around _on the heads of the Hokages! Only a wildly rebellious Naruto had ever dared to deface the mountain like that. Who did those people think they were? Her shishou had every right to yell—

"GAI I CAN UNDERSTAND, BUT HATAKE, SHOW SOME _DIGNITY_!"

Sakura nearly fell out the window. Weakly, she squinted at the figure on top of the first Hokage. It was a man, and although he had some sort of gross disfigurement on his skin, even from a distance there was no mistaking that mane of silver spikes. She watched with unparalleled horror as the man hopped merrily from side to side, clapping all the while.

Without thinking, she leapt out of the window, her feet skidding painfully on the tiled roof. Ignoring her burning feet, she raced across rooftops towards the unspeakable offense.

"_Our legs will tangle…_" She stumbled a little, scraping her foot as she got close enough to make out Kakashi's words. "_Our hazy passion will mimic the misting rain as I enter YOU SLOW-LY…_"

Sakura shrieked in mortification, coming to a halt on top of a tea shop. "Hatake Kakashi, what the HELL do you think you're doing up there?!" she demanded. The crowd oohed and aahed at this new development. "The plot thickens!" they could be heard whispering to each other.

Kakashi ignored them; his guest of honor had arrived, and he was giddy with delight. Oh, the flush of her face… oh, the shaking of her fists… oh, the bloodlust in her eyes… He drank it all in gladly.

"_Oh how I love you,_" he called out, his voice finally loud enough for everyone to clearly make his words out. To the crowd's bewilderment and Sakura's general humiliation, Kakashi started incorporating strange, wriggling hip movements into his dance. "_If you join me in this sweet entanglement the heavens will bless us with their I-CY RAIN_!"

Sakura took a fearful step back, wincing as she saw him wiggling his eyebrows suggestively at her. It was really, _really _too hot for this.

She stomped her foot angrily. Biting back a yelp at the pain of her blistering foot against the scalding rooftop, she barked, "You had better get your ass back here if you expect any future entanglements to be of the non-strangling kind, you IDIOT!" For good measure, she threw a rock at him.

He dodged it as part of the dance, winking at her as he waited for Gai to sing his verse. Tsunade was beyond outraged now; she was watching in numb shock as Gai described how her beauty would attract the gods to them. She wasn't flattered or anything, and he was definitely going to be beaten within an inch of his life when he came down from there, but… she couldn't help but admit that it was a little nice not to have everyone complaining about her for once.

Having spotted Sakura, though, Gai's dance was becoming increasingly frantic. "_Please oh please oh please join me_," he begged, addressing Tsunade directly now. Said "goddess of the most youthful land of fire" arched an unsympathetic brow. "_If I do not win this challenge I am forced to do MA-NY THINGS_!"

"_Things you don't want to see_," supplied Kakashi. "_If he loses he must shave HIS EYE-BROWS_!" There was much rejoicing, but Gai was visibly frightened now.

"_That is not even the worst of it!_" he warned, and his eyebrows seemed especially invasive. "_I must then complete three hundred seventy-FOUR PUSH UPS! NA-KED! ON TOP OF THE A-CA-DE-MY_!"

Even Yamato screamed. Suddenly Gai's eyebrows weren't so bad anymore, because that was something that _nobody _wanted to see. No amount of sake or intensive therapy could ever wash that memory away.

Kakashi was not impressed. It didn't matter what those people in the crowd thought. There was only one person he was trying to cajole.

"_If I were to lose_," he sang, staring directly at the terrified Sakura, "_I would have to shave my head and PIERCE MY LIP_!"

Sakura's jaw dropped. She sent a glare back to his wicked fox grin, but Inner Sakura was screaming at her.

_Are you insane?! _For the most part Inner Sakura had been absorbed by her external personality by now, but there were times when she made her opinions known. _Can you imagine how disgusting that would be? Bald Kakashi… and you couldn't even KISS him!_

That did it for Sakura. As much as she knew she was going to regret it, her vanity won out. To the general uproar of the crowd, she approached the mountain and swiftly began to ascend it. Among many of the older males there was much mutinous muttering; despite how unlikely it was, a good number of them were secretly crossing their fingers for Tsunade to get up there, strip down to her essentials, cover herself body in paint, and bounce generously.

Gai's cry of impending defeat stretched out across all of the syllables of his verse. Kakashi was reeling with satisfaction at Sakura's choice. Sure, he would probably get thoroughly punished later, but it wasn't all that bad. After the shouting and the occasional slapping, Sakura's punishments were nice. He liked being punished.

Sakura's arrival at the top of Shodai's head gave rise to many catcalls and wolf whistles from the crowd. Bristling, Tsunade vehemently threatened castration to all who dared to treat her student like that again. They were sufficiently cowed, and it helped that Kakashi was hopping so that she was mostly shielded from view.

Grumbling nonstop, she stripped down to her bindings and shorts. Pakkun supplied her with the paint, whispering instructions and helping her with the brush when she couldn't reach. The design wasn't perfect, but Sakura really couldn't care less if the lines were perfectly parallel with each other. Right now she was just focused on getting this thing over with so that she could officially forget it ever happened and make Kakashi wish he could.

"_The triangle is almost complete,_" Gai sang wretchedly. "_As soon as our third member joins our dance I hope you most youthful gods will be SA-TIS-FIED…_"

"Don't worry," Kakashi cheerfully assured a growling Sakura. "As the hypotenuse, if you will, you don't have to sing."

"Oh isn't that a relief," she muttered. She stood up, and Gai's resulting hop was greater than any before it.

"THE SHAPE HAS BEEN COMPLETED!" he boomed, his eyes bulging uncomfortably. "ASSUME THE APPROPRIATE YOUTHFUL POSITIONS!"

Bewildered, Sakura had no choice but to follow the smiling Kakashi as he darted to meet Gai on top of old Sarutobi. Behind his spikes there was a nice flat spot, and the three of them lined up. In the middle stood Gai, holding the umbrella proudly above his head, and he was flanked by Sakura on his right and Kakashi on his left. Perfectly synchronized, they hopped to the left. _One. Two. Three. Four._ Sakura clapped in time with the strangely hypnotic beat. Another hop. _One. Two. Three Four._

"_Oh bountiful heavens!!_" Gai chanted. "_Please grace your most humble servants who have publicly displayed their youthful devotion to you with YOUR WA-TERS_!"

The cadence sped up; bizarrely, Sakura did not have to make an effort to catch up. Her body naturally kept in time, and without any practice her movements flawlessly matched those of the other two. Kakashi was humming now, staring off into space with a dazed expression; Sakura, too, found her consciousness slipping, as if it were being gripped and contemplated by a higher power—

"_Please spare us the dreadful scorching heat and save us with the gentle pattering of your heavenly SWEET RAIN-DROPS_!" The umbrella bobbed dangerously above Gai's head in time with the accelerating tempo. Surely this was too fast, their movements were inhuman, there was no way they should have been able to keep up— but Sakura was hypnotized by their seamless movements, by the scenery blurring before her eyes—

But it wasn't a trance blurring her vision. Wet splotches began to appear on the ground before her, and the sky darkened with the presence of heavy clouds. Thunder rolled overhead as the clouds emptied their contents onto the unsuspecting Konohanians, lightning striking directly behind the hopping trio.

At first people were stunned, and then slowly, their hushed whispers tip toed into giggles, which then picked up speed until the entire village seemed to be roaring with laughter. Only Iruka was not laughing; he was staring, horrorstruck, at the man who would soon be desecrating the roof of the Academy with his naked body. Not that Iruka had anything against the human body, particularly the masculine kind, but he wasn't keen on a particular piece of a certain man's anatomy being so close to the place where children's minds were molded! Really, what had happened to propriety? Dignity? _Sanity?_

Disbelief struck Tsunade like the lightning she saw crackling behind her apprentice, and she felt an indescribably supernatural feeling. It sent a chill down her spine and she shivered, retreating into her office and pulling the windows shut. As the rain beat at the glass, she shuddered, pulling her robes around herself protectively. Something weird had happened, and she wasn't sure she ever wanted to find out. Some things were better left unexplained.

The initial shock that it was not just raining, but _pouring_, wore off quickly and Sakura found herself falling to her knees, hugging her stomach as strangled laughs rolled out of her. Her hair fell lank around her cheeks, but at the moment she couldn't care less; it was _raining_. And she was covered in _paint._ It was _funny_.

The shape had been broken, and Gai solemnly sidestepped the hysterical kunoichi to address Kakashi. Kakashi himself felt like he had just woken up from a deep sleep; he reflected that later, it would be very easy to claim drunkenness about the whole affair… even though it had just happened, the whole thing was a bit of a blur…

"Eternal rival." Gai's somber tone woke Kakashi from his reverie; the Copy Ninja shook his head back and forth as a dog might have, sending droplets of water falling irregularly onto Sakura's back. She did not seem to notice, so Kakashi focused his attention on his crestfallen rival.

Heaving a sigh, Gai held out his hand. "You have won," he said heavily. "The prize is yours."

Kakashi nodded seriously, accepting his token. He admired the umbrella, which seemed to be holding up well against all the public scrutiny. He'd have to reference its strong will and tough skin when consoling Sakura (and himself) about the destruction of their reputations.

Wiping liquid from her eye (tears, water, paint, who knew), Sakura registered that there was no longer any rain hitting her back. Confused, she looked up to see the underside of a proudly clashing umbrella, protecting her from the steady downpour. More relevant to her interests, however, was the man crouching before her, holding the umbrella neatly above her head. His eyes were crinkled into comical little hills, and his painted mask made him look more like a caricature of himself than anything.

"At your service," he said happily, his blue lips turned up in an infectious smile. He looked ridiculous with the ink dripping down his face, but she found him irresistible anyway. In a fluid movement she had grabbed his chin, pulling him forward in a passionate kiss.

The kiss only lasted a few seconds before they pulled back from each other, sputtering spectacularly.

"KAKASHI! Your lips taste like paint!"


End file.
